Much of the time, when people mention affair sex, they assume that it is so good that it is almost mind blowing. They assume that it has to be this good in order to make it worth the risk. Many spouses tubit.com review who have someone cheat on them also make this assumption, even if their spouse does everything in his power to insist that this isn't true.
For example, you might hear a
conversation like this: "my husband is trying to claim that his affair
wasn't about sex. In fact, he's insisting that the sex wasn't even good. He
says that sex is better with me and that the other woman didn't really know
what he likes. But he says that the point of the affair was never about the
sex. He was supposedly attracted to her because she listened to and supported
him, or so he claims. I think that he is just saying this because he doesn't
want for me to have hang ups about sex if we stay together. Every one knows
that affair sex is good, don't they?"
Well, everyone assumes this. But
I've had people comment that their affair was most definitely not about sex,
just like this husband. Many of them say that the affair was more about
excitement, emotional attachment tubit.com and
support, and having someone who seems to appreciate them without expectations.
For example, a husband might say:
"when people see the other woman, they always assume that I was only in it
for the sex. I wasn't. I won't say that we didn't have sex because we did. But
that was never the draw for me. I have been friends with the other woman for a
long time. I made some bad investments that meant that I had to cut back on my
spending. This made me wife treat me differently. She was always mad and she
was always making sarcastic comments about me. The other woman isn't like that.
She's happy to just go and have a picnic lunch and talk. She doesn't expect me
to buy her things and she doesn't want to be taken care of. tubit She's
content with just me. This is such a huge relief when contrasted with the
expectations of my wife."
I hear these sorts of comments a
lot. And I hear them from people who have no reason to lie to me. I don't know
their spouses so I can't possibly put in a good word for them. They just want
to unload their feelings onto someone, which is often why they had an affair in
the first place.
And I am not saying that this
excuses them. There are no excuses. But, I think affairs based on emotions are
just as dangerous, if not more so, than affairs that are based on sex. Anytime
your spouse gets their marital needs met by someone else, that's a problem.
But many therapists and professions
will tell you that an affair is so much more than just sex. I'm not a
professional, but I certainly do believe this. Sex is only one aspect of the
relationship, but it is certainly not the only aspect.
Many people can't possibly believe
that a man would risk his marriage or his family for bad sex. The thing is, sex
is not his payoff. His payoff is getting his emotional needs met. His payoff is
the fact that the other woman doesn't make him feel pressured. She makes him
feel relevant again.
Now, is this reality? Most
definitely not. If the affair continued on, it's very likely that the other
woman would develop expectations over time. People love to think that their
affair partner doesn't want anything from them or doesn't have expectations or
demands. But it isn't realistic to expect that things are always going to be
this way. The more serious and long term the relationship, the more
expectations there are going to be.
And then this happens, the husband
will often lose interest because he can get the expectations at home without
much trouble at all.
Of course, the original question
was about sex so let's go back to that. Many people will tell you that affair
sex is wonderful and some of them truly believe that. But most people will tell
you that sex with the same person over time (like your spouse) is also good sex
because that person knows you. They know what you like and what you don't like.
You've likely fine tuned your physical connection over the long term.
The person in the affair can't say
this. The relationship is often just beginning. Sure, there's a bit of novelty
but even that wears off quickly. Sometimes the sex starts off being perceived
as good or even great, but once it's no longer new, it's nothing special.
I can't possibly tell you or guess
at what the sex was like with your husband and the other woman. But I can tell
you that not everyone says that the affair sex was always good. Many will tell
you that it was nothing special, but that was fine with them because the
intercourse wasn't the draw. The way the other person managed to make them feel
was the draw. Or the relief they felt from some stressor or short coming was
the draw.
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