There's no denying that the time period after learning about a spouse's affair can be extremely volatile. People say things that they later regret. They mutter things that are only meant to hurt. They spew things that they would never say during moments of calm.
And once things calm down, both
parties will typically try and dissect the argument or conversation in the
hopes of tubit.com review figuring out what their spouse might have
meant by his venomous words.
A wife might say: "when I
found out about my husband's affair, I called him home. I didn't tell him why.
And I may have lead him to believe that there was an issue with one of the kids
just to get him home so I could confront him. But I feel that this was
justified. Because I wanted to be able to read his expressions. When I finally
got to confront him, he was furious. In fact, things got so heated that he told
me to get out. He told me that I should just leave. This is particularly
interesting because we both own the house. It was his house when we married but
he added me to the deed. So he can't force me to leave. But I'm not so interested
in the legalities of things. tubit.com I'm
interested in why he wanted me to leave. Does he care so little about me and
our marriage that he wants me out of his sight? Does he think our marriage is a
lost cause? Has he developed real feelings for the other woman and he wants to
be with her?"
I'm sorry that I can't possibly
accurately answer these questions. All of us can speculate. And I can and will
offer some reassurance about typical behavior after an affair confrontation.
But, you usually aren't able to get to the truth so quickly after the affair is
discovered. It usually takes a while for things to calm down before the truth
is revealed.
People Often Exhibit Extreme
Emotions After The Affair Is Discovered: Many people posture when they've had
an affair. They act outraged. They try to blame their spouse. They can play the
victim. tubit Do they
really believe all of the things that they are trying to sell to their spouse?
I doubt it.
I think that it is more likely that
they are shocked and ashamed and embarrassed and are trying to dig themselves
out of a hole or at the very least they are trying to come up with air. We've all
that horrible feeling when something unexpected and awful happens and we become
flustered and act in ways that we are anything but proud of. If we're lucky, we
can put it behind us before anyone notices or finds out.
But that can't be the case when your
spouse is right in front of you, trying to get a reaction and not willing to
back down until you they get one. When that happens and there is no escape what
do you think your spouse is going to do to make it stop?
They are going to make a stink.
They are going to show anger or outrage. They are going to try to turn the
attention away from themselves. And one way to do this is to ask you to leave.
Did he mean that he actually and
truly wanted you to leave. I have no way of knowing that. But I'd suspect that
he was trying to back you up a little bit just so he could have a moment to
think and plan some sort of strategy. The whole: "you should leave
thing" could have been a quick ploy to get you to say that you didn't want
to leave and were hoping to save the marriage. Sometimes, anger or nastiness is
a way to try and call your bluff.
Again, you often can't possibly
know in the beginning. But you can try to diffuse the situation if you think
that he's just posturing by saying something like: "I have no intention of
leaving because this is my home too in every way that matters. If I was going
to leave, I would have done it before you ever got home and avoided this entire
confrontation."
With that said, I never advocate
escalating the situation or getting into something where either person might
lose control of themselves. If you see or feel it escalating to that level, the
best thing to do at the point is to remove yourself from that situation, even
if it means just talking a walk or doing something else.
You can always revisit things later
when both people calm down. If it doesn't appear that calm is going to return,
then sometimes the best route to start is to use a counselor to facilitate
working through it in a more calm and meaningful way. Because often, just
exchanging insults doesn't solve anything. And it makes a situation that is
already very painful just that much worse.
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