Finding out your husband has been cheating is painful enough. Many wives admit that they have a bit more respect for their husbands if he confesses to the cheating himself. AsiaCharm.com Reviews However, this often isn't true if the husband is mean, cruel, or spiteful while making that confession.
A wife might say: "last week,
my husband and I got into a huge fight. He was telling me how controlling and
miserable I am. He was going on and on about how he feels suffocated by our
marriage. And then he said, with tons of anger in his voice 'your negativity is
why I am cheating on you. It's why I have to turn to someone else to escape
from your nastiness.' And then, without skipping a beat, he want on to tell me
how far superior the other woman is to me. He told me that she was kind and
supportive of him. He told me that she doesn't nag or criticize him. And he
told me that she was far prettier AsiaCharm and
younger than me and that she knew how to make a man feel good instead of
miserable. Now, I'm doubly angry. It's bad enough that he is cheating. But why
does he have to be so spiteful? He acts as if I deserved to be cheated
on."
This isn't uncommon, but it sure is
frustrating. Below, I'll list some reasons that he may be acting in this way
and how you might address it.
He May Be Feeling A Lot Of Anger
And He's Not Sure Where To Direct It: I write a lot of articles which indicate
that people cheat during a time of personal crisis and vulnerability. I firmly
believe this almost without exception. It's only my opinion though. But, you
often see people cheat when things are falling apart in their life or within
their consciousness. So it's not unusual for someone who is cheating to be
struggling with feelings of anger. In fact, I'd go so far as to suggest that
the anger may have contributed to the cheating.
Often though, these folks are angry
with themselves and with their lives. And they might project these feelings of
anger onto their spouse. After all, their spouse is an easy target and if they
can direct AsiaCharm.com their anger at their spouse, they just might
find some justification for their cheating.
Please don't think that I am
defending them. I'm not. I'm just trying to point out that anger is often a
very common precursor to (and symptom of) an affair. And although it is
directed at you, that doesn't mean that you are the only place where his anger
is directed.
He May Be Trying To Hurt You: As
immature as this might sound, sometimes an affair is an attempt to "get
back" at a spouse for some perceived wrong doing. Perhaps your husband did
genuinely feel that you were acting in a negative way, but rather than approach
you and try to work through this like the adult that he is, he resorted to
committing a selfish act which he knew would hurt you.
The spiteful words were a way to
make sure to enhance the hurt and, when they came out of his mouth, he just
could not stop himself. Again, this is not an excuse, but it lets you know what
you are dealing with.
Handling The Spitefulness: How you
handle this completely depends on what you want moving forward. If you think
you might want to one day save your marriage OR you find it best not to engage
with him to make things worse (which is frankly almost always my preferred way
to deal with this,) I'd suggest something like this. "That's quite
hurtful, but I suppose that was the entire point. I'm sorry that you feel I'm
controlling but that is never going to be a valid excuse to cheat. I'm not
going to engage in a conversation where we talk to one another in this way. It
solves nothing. And the core issue is the affair, which seems to be
overshadowed by your words about my actions. And although my actions clearly
trouble you, they are certainly not as malicious as cheating. Regardless, we
clearly aren't going to be able to work anything out while we are both so
angry. I do not accept that my actions justify your cheating, but we will have
to talk about that another day. Things are too painful and volatile right now
and I don't want to stand here and listen to you say these things to me. Once
we both calm down and commit to talking to one another in a more civil way, we
can address this."
I know that I am asking for a lot
of restraint. I know that it is very tempting to stand there and defend
yourself and tell him just what you think of him. But doing so is only going to
make this worse and it is bad enough already. It's almost never a bad idea to
regroup, calm down, and come at it later.
Frankly, if your husband can
realize that his anger and spite is displaced and underserved, he will likely
back off. But he can't realize that if you are displaying the negative behavior
that he's now complaining about. It's better to show him who he isn't expecting
to see. Someone who is calm and anything but the controlling bitter person who
he has been describing.
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